'I'd rather be on a beach in Bali': My husband resents my $8 million net worth. Should I pay for his retirement?

By Quentin Fottrell

'We have an ironclad prenup'

"I don't drive a flashy car or dress extravagantly, and we both keep a pretty low profile." (Photo subject is a model.)

Dear Quentin,

My spouse and I got married later in life - in our late 40s. My spouse has adult children from a previous marriage; I was never married before and only had pets. I worked hard and invested throughout my working years. My parents also helped me significantly with graduate school, so I have no debt.

Fast-forward five years: I sold my business and am semiretired, helping the new owner on a consulting basis. I still do some work from time to time, but I'm no longer as mentally or emotionally engaged in it as I once was. I've developed some new hobbies, spend time helping both sets of parents and take care of our household.

Between the sale of my business, my savings and some wise investments I made early on, I've built quite a little nest egg. It's now worth around $8 million. I own the house we live in, and my spouse pays for some living expenses. Is that fair? Probably not. But don't worry: We have an ironclad prenup.

While I pay for some trips and material things, my spouse's net worth is less than one-tenth of mine. Lately, my spouse has mentioned feeling a little resentful and envious of my situation. Sometimes I feel like my spouse is holding me back. I'd rather be on a beach in Bali than watching my spouse sit at the computer.

But I don't want to completely fund my spouse's retirement, either. That would feel very unbalanced to me. Besides, my spouse enjoys the work and is well respected in the business and community. None of our friends know about the disparity. They would probably assume from appearances that my spouse, rather than I, is the wealthier one.

I don't drive a flashy car or dress extravagantly, and we both keep a pretty low profile. Should I be paying for more things? I'd like to even things out, but they never will be. I enjoy my life with my spouse; I just don't want resentment to build up over time. I've heard that money is the No. 1 cause of divorce, and I don't want that to happen to us.

Are we doomed? Any tips or tricks?

Wealthier Spouse

Related: 'She says it's just money': My friend pays for everything. I should be grateful, but I can't stand her anymore.

You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com. The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.

Your biggest hurdle has already been cleared: You have an ironclad prenuptial agreement.

Dear Wealthier,

Usually, it's the lack of money that creates tension. You have the opposite problem.

If the genders were reversed and your husband was the one with $8 million saved for retirement and had sold a business, the public and private perception of your relationship would likely be quite different. That is, in large part, because women traditionally give up their careers or put them on hold to take care of the children.

In this case, your husband is the one with the children and, as you say, you've had pets but you don't have kids. So those gender roles don't apply here. However, the traditional gender-role reversal - you have many multiples more in assets than your husband - may influence how he feels about your life together.

He may feel quietly, or not so quietly, emasculated by your money and success. Or he may genuinely feel like it's not an equal partnership, given your relative freedom to fly to Bali or anywhere else at a moment's notice, while he has to keep working. This dynamic plays out in millions of households across the country and the world.

A relationship is not about one person capitulating to the other.

You say he is "holding you back." That is a big statement, and rooted more in perception than reality. A relationship is not about one person capitulating to the other. Choosing to continue working is not the same as holding you back. You can do things separately - whether he's spending time with his kids or you're going away with your girlfriends.

Your biggest hurdle has already been cleared: You have an ironclad prenuptial agreement. You are conscientious about what premarital assets remain separate, or not. Do I think you should split the household bills equally? I think you should split them proportionate to your respective incomes. That said, it could compound your husband's resentment if you paid his way.

You can't control your husband's alleged jealousy or insecurity, but you can control your own. Acknowledging that this is a sensitive issue for both of you, emotionally and practically, is a good start. If you do not address your feelings and process them, they will manifest themselves in other ways - an unkind remark or a silent fury.

Related: 'I'm burned out': I'm constantly helping my cousin who is running out of money. Is it too much to expect his sister to help?

Communication strategy

The best approach is to deal with it head on. Get those feelings on the table, so you can both see what you're dealing with. He might say, "Why do I need to keep working until I'm 70 when you have $8 million in the bank?" You could tell him, "Would you like to take a vacation to Bali? If not, would you mind if I went alone?"

I don't think you are doomed, but nor do I have tips or tricks - except to say that if you don't talk about it, this economic disparity will become bigger than both of you. When you do raise this issue, it would be helpful to say: "I feel guilty watching you work, and I don't like feeling that way." Talk about how you feel, rather than about what he does or does not do.

There is a big middle ground between being supportive of your husband and funding his retirement. You may decide, in a few years, that you are OK with paying for more vacations, occasionally footing the bill for something your husband could not comfortably afford, or creating a joint travel fund that is not always strictly 50/50. It's a balancing act.

If you don't talk, this economic disparity will become bigger than both of you.

Your prenup preserves your financial independence, but it doesn't deal with your emotional codependence - that takes work on both your parts. I've given you some thoughts on the latter; on the former, review your estate plan at least once a year, and think about inheritance and any looming tax issues (including required minimum distributions and Roth conversions).

You both appear to have good heads on your shoulders, and appear to have more in common than perhaps you care to notice at this moment in time. You are both hardworking individuals, and you don't invest in frivolous purchases to showcase your lifestyle to the Joneses (whoever the Joneses are in your story).

If and/or when your husband no longer wishes to work, you can look at what your retirement looks like as a couple. You are already effectively retired. Life is not one big vacation, so there are many ways you can fill your time - volunteering, playing golf or tennis, etc. Enjoy your free time while, for now, your husband enjoys his work.

Speaking with kindness and being 100% honest are not mutually exclusive.

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By emailing your questions to The Moneyist or posting your dilemmas on The Moneyist Facebook group, you agree to have them published anonymously on MarketWatch.

More columns from Quentin Fottrell:

My husband and I are in our 50s and have no kids. We have $2 million in IRAs and 401(k)s. Do we really need a will?

We were friendly with our neighbors for decades, until recently. One day, they introduced us to their financial ...

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-Quentin Fottrell

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10-02-26 0816ET

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